“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” -Oscar Wilde
Are there times you’re not your genuine self? Do you have multiple identities for different people and places? You’re suffering from the Chameleon Conflict. You’re not being yourself enough.
Stop draining yourself from having to be fake. Stop putting up a front when you’re in front of certain friends, professors, parents, or whomever. Stop acting in a way that’s not how you’d truly want to be when in particular places or situations.
When you only have one genuine identity in life, your life becomes so much easier – like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. Plus, your awesomeness comes through much more clearly wherever you are and whomever you’re around.
Shed the Chameleon Conflict
The Chameleon Conflict is being inconsistent with yourself. Having multiple identities. Acting differently when talking to certain people or being in certain places.
Why do we have the Chameleon Conflict?
Because expectations develop to how we should act in front of certain people or in certain situations.
And it’s a burden in your life. It’s tough having to constantly put a front up. Time to lift this weight from your shoulders.
The battle is to unlearn those expectations. Be like a kid again.
Now, that doesn’t mean pick your nose and fart in front of others. You don’t want to be gross, just like you wouldn’t others to be gross in front of you.
Rather, stop thinking that you have to act a certain way just because a person is a certain type of someone. There’s no inherent rule that commands you to be not like yourself in front of professors or strangers or whatever. That’s just social expectations at work.
Unlearn those expectations. Shed the Chameleon Conflict.
Let Your Genuine Self Come Through
Pretend that everyone is your friend, or you already know them. Act how you would when you’re at your most relaxed and genuine.
You notice how little kids act the same wherever they are, with whomever they interact with? They don’t care if the person is their mom, a professor, the president, or Sean Connery; they’ll always be themselves.
Now, subtract the kicking and screaming and the “I want it I want it I want it” tantrums, and you get the idea of how you can be. And how easy your life can become. No effort required to act a certain way. Just be yourself.
Shed the Chameleon Conflict. Stop having multiple identities. Push yourself to slowly start being your true self in front of people and at places where you were putting up a front before.
The more you let your genuine self come through, the more comfortable you’ll get being yourself. Eventually, you won’t have to put multiple faces on. You’ll just have one identity: you.
All I Needed to Do Was Just Be Me
I used to suffer from the Chameleon Conflict. I had the multiple identities problem.
I was most genuine around close friends and my girl, casual but not fully open around friends and acquaintances, completely professional around professors and supervisors, and a reserved “nice” son around my family.
And I hated it.
So at the beginning of 2009, after returning to Chicago from a trip to Boston, I finally pushed myself to focus only on my genuine self. To drop any other identities and force the genuine one into relationships and situations where it wasn’t present before. Which included family, the toughest one to tackle.
And boy, did some sparks and fireworks fly at my parents’ home.
My dad wasn’t exactly happy with my unconventional life direction of writing, music, and entrepreneurship, since I stopped pretending that I was going to get a masters degree in the future (we’re Russian, so a degree means everything).
But rather than feel awful in a negative-vibe house, I actually felt relieved. I no longer had to pretend to be anything I wasn’t – all I needed to do was just be me. No need to come up with a spin or a story, but just act and say what I naturally feel.
Eventually, my dad got over it (I guess he accepted that I wasn’t doing any more organized edumacation). And I still feel great because since January of ‘09 I no longer had to use any energy to pretend.
Life is easier – a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Now I let my genuine self come through to everybody I interact with, and I’d like to think my awesomeness increases as a result in my relationships and writing.
I’m loving life even more now, attracting the right energy and people, and putting my newly-recovered energy into doing what I love.
Always Be Yourself
Tired of not being your genuine self when in front of certain people or at certain places? You’re suffering from the Chameleon Conflict: acting inconsistent and having multiple identities. You’re not being yourself enough.
Make your life easier. Lift the weight from your shoulders: shed the Chameleon Conflict. Unlearn the social expectations – there’s no inherent rule commanding you to be unlike your genuine self. Start acting how you’d want to in situations where you weren’t doing it before. Your life will be easier and your awesomeness will come through more.
Always be yourself. There’s no reason not to be.
__________
(Image: Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4)
Useful Stuff Elsewhere
De-Compartmentalizing Your Life and the Extinction of Boundaries – Jonathan Mead on the importance of living in complete congruence. Aligning your identity and purpose, with no separation, partitions, and dissonance.
16 Comments
Becoming comfortable in your own skin…I mean really comfortable, as in not caring what people think and not being afraid to express your truest self, is probably the most important thing you can to do be happy in this life.
Couldn’t agree more Nathan. It’s the single most important step to amplifying your true self and being remarkable.
I like this, and your blog
especially the artwork. This really rings true to me, the staying honest to yourself part… I need to do that more in my business 
Thanks!
Glad to have you back Maren. Thanks for the nice words.
Yeah, I’ve battled with staying honest with myself. It’s a lot easier now, but each new experience (personal and business-wise) presents a new challenge. Especially when we’re surrounded by a certain persona or image that is deemed successful – we’re tempted to be more like that than ourselves.
“Escaping the 9 to 5″ is already rocking, so I’m sure it’ll only get better the more you inject yourself in it,
Oleg
Bumashki, papers, as my grandmother says. Although my family wasn’t pleased with my degree (Political Science, Sociology…what is that? What do you do with it? Now a lawyer, that’s a job) but at least it was a degree in which I had a high GPA in. My family is Russian-Jewish (even I was born in Moscow), so granny needs some bragging rights.
So being yourself is great. Although the cry “Just be Yourself!” is probably the hardest thing out there. Not only in being, but knowing. Well, who the hell am I? I think most people try to avoid that question, and thus have to wear masks. Masks are, after all, easier to deal with than the who am I question, but not easier to live with.
Reading your post, as it’s quite dear to my heart (and my head) I started wondering about who you are vs. who you want to be. I’ve read enough on business and entrepreneur blog posts that you sort of have to fake it till you make it. “You want to be a CEO? Dress like one. Act like one” – a projection model. A type of law of attraction. You know, getting into the role. I hope this makes sense. Golly gee I wish I could find them, so please take me on my word that they exist and I’m not just pulling your leg or claiming “Well it’s written everywhere that…” Some respectable blogs have written this advice. Obviously they don’t mean lie, or cheat your identity, but sort of start living/being the part of who you want to become.
Anyway, as much as being myself rocks, myself is not yet a “x” (whatever you want to be that some advise one to take the role of before it’s actually there (sort of mentally visualizing it and being ready to be x)).
So in essence I am asking two questions. I have my own answers, but I’m curious about yours (and anyone else who read this question).
1. How does the advice of fake it till you make it fit in with being yourself?
2. How would you reconcile this who I am vs. who I want to be quandary.
If you have read similar advice like that and thought it was hogwash, then my first question is moot. For the second question, I also think that if you are true to yourself then you will ultmately know who you want to be. Once you stop pretending for others, you actually have time to focus on what you want to be, sure.
What do you think?
What an awesome comment Yanina. Spasibo
> 1. How does the advice of fake it till you make it fit in with being yourself?
I too have read this advice and seen these people. I agree with it. To me, this advice refers to your environment and image, not changing your personality. Meaning, if you want to be a suit-and-tie CEO, then dress like one, surround yourself with others, attend seminars, etc. It’d be next to impossible to make that shift if you sat around in your underwear on your couch.
It’s like trying to get fit but hanging around fat people, eating unhealthy, not having exercise gear around you, and so forth.
Steve Pavlina also wrote about this: when he made a shift to personal development writing and coaching, he “faked it till he made it” by getting rid of any books, memberships, and bookmarks of programming stuff and replacing it with Toastmasters, personal development and coaching books, and new bookmarks.
But this is all shifting your environment and image – it’s not changing your personality. If you’re a serious person, you stay serious even when you put that suit on. If you goof around, you goof around. Smile a lot? Keep smiling.
Steve didn’t change his personality when making that shift; just his environment and image of himself (from programmer to writer and speaker). In fact, he also mentioned when he first started his computer game company, he tried acting “professional” and it wasn’t working for him. When he dropped the facade and was just his goofy and informal self, the relationships with his customers and clients became better – and referrals actually increased.
So, I feel “fake it till you make it” applies to changing your environment and image you project, but you remain true to yourself personality-wise.
> 2. How would you reconcile this who I am vs. who I want to be quandary.
I agree with what you said: “Once you stop pretending for others, you actually have time to focus on what you want to be.”
When you don’t feel pressured by expectations from peers, parents, and professionals, your ideal self, lifestyle, and career will naturally start to surface. You’ll gain clarity and direction as to who and where you want to be. That’s what it was for me. One example: I realized I despise meetings and rigid schedules, so any sort of dayjob (or even a career as a gigging musician) wasn’t for me.
I see it as eliminating blocks and limitations inside of yourself: those self-limiting thoughts of “I can’t be this way,” “I should hide or suppress this aspect of myself,” “this type of lifestyle would never work.” You’re just getting out of your own way when you start always being your true self.
Thank you for linking to this article from your site, Yanina.
I’d love to read any followup thoughts you have,
Oleg
Oh no problem on the linking! I think your blog is nifty and I like spreading the word. Plus, it encourages me to probe deeper into myself, who knows what it can do for others? To be honest, I actually agree with a lot of what you said. Mainly because I was trying to convey that originally, but I couldn’t (but that’s why I read your blog). Regardless, it’s fun to have this exchange.
Right-o, totally. It’s about changing the environment, as opposed to yourself. Of course, that environment change can really help you figure out yourself. For example: not living with mom and dad/college/messy cranky flatmates can do wonders.
I also think there is no easy way to be honest to yourself and to others. It’s hard and scary, and a lot of things keep trying to force you back. This type of discourse always reminds of this quote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson
A quote I’ve seen often, and I recently found out that’s it’s wrongly attributed to Nelson Mandela. It’s right though, which is why it’s so prolific. I especially love the part that says, “Actually, who are you not to be?” We’re scared of what we can do, and who we can be. I think it’s that perverse fear of success (which I succumb to often and self-sabotage myself back into secure mediocrity). The bigger you become, the more responsibility, the more is expected of you–and I think most would prefer not to deal with that. How heavy the crown…
I suppose that’s part of the hardship of being yourself. It’s not the environment, or the naysayers, it’s that dirty voice in your head that keeps trying to make you dim. It’s fighting against the “no”’s and “that’s impossible”’s…and as you said, “getting out of your own way.” Of course, finding the thing that really makes you, and makes you happy inside of yourself will help one deal with those arising challenges…
I think I’m rambling and working myself into a fog. I should learn to be more concise. One should never read Socrates as a teenager because man oh man does it make you long-winded later in life.
I think I need to think less in order to get out of my own way.
Thanks for sharing such a great quote by Marianne Williamson. Agree that the “Actually, who are you not to be?” part hits hard. You’re actually doing the world a disservice if you hold your brilliance back.
It reminds me of this quote, which is more tongue-in-cheek but still makes a good point: “Those that tell you to not be full of yourself have it all wrong. Who should you be full of, if not yourself?”
Love reading your thoughts as always Yanina,
Oleg
PS. I chuckled at the ‘reading Socrates as a teen’ bit
I love the message, Oleg — be yourself. Be who we are and be happy about it. Happiness is actually pretty simple, isn’t it?
It’s funny that at times we need a huge amount of time to discover who we really are. There are too many ’similarities’ going on but the fact is we are all unique in our own ways, just not easy to show through due to burden, limitations etc. I enjoyed what been shared in the comment here as well, ’stop pretending then you can focus on what you want to be’, pretty much said it all. 
May we all have the courage to be truthful to ourselves and others.
@wchingya
Social/Blogging Tracker
Being yourself is simple but tough in a socially-conditioned world
I see it almost as unlearning rather than learning new things. The direction is to be like a kid. Unlearn all of the societal rules on how you “should” act in certain situations. Shed the Chameleon Conflict.
Agreed. May more courage be passed around so people stop pretending and start being themselves all the time. We’ll all benefit from it more.
Glad to have you back and thanks for sharing your thoughts Ching,
Oleg
I`m always happy to meet real people and thus I expect people to BE real, in every sense.
Great post, Oleg!
Thanks Constantin. Yep, it benefits all of us if people are real – their true selves. I want to meet and be friends with the genuine, interesting, awesome, and remarkable self, not the held-back version.
Thanks again for another awesome post Oleg and for the discussion in the comments here, they’re sprinkled with gold too.
You’ve really given me the confidence to unleash ‘me’ and just as you suggest, life is easier!
It’s amazing how many doors start opening up too when people see more of ‘you’.
Thank you.
Forever grateful.
Rock on Michelle. When we get the confidence to completely unleash ourselves, life is so much easier and more enjoyable. And good point: doors of opportunity do start opening up. It’s not the ones you were expecting usually, but they’re almost always the most rewarding ones.
Yeah, I’m pleasantly surprised by the awesome discussion happening in the comments here.
Actually, I take that back. You all are the most remarkable readers in the world. I’m not surprised at all
Thanks for your comments as always Michelle. Great to have you here,
Oleg
Oleg,
Nice work, dude. I’ve been struggling with this at times, especially with respect to much of my family and those of my friends who are entrenched in the way life “should be” lived. It’s a slow process for me though, and I’m coming up with new ways to show people who I really am everyday. It’s funny how freeing it is, though. More often than not, once you free yourself in some way from the fake image you project, it’s much easier to free yourself in other ways.
It happened to me when I finally let my creativity shine. I started making electronic music about a year ago, but I was a bit embarrassed about letting people hear it, not knowing what their reactions might be. Once I got over that, though, everything has been fitting into place. People started listening and liking my stuff. My fears were ultimately ungrounded. I’m finding out that many of them truly are.
I’m beginning to unleash my opinions, my views on life, and my thoughts on what work should be without worrying about what matters to others. I still have quite a bit of work to do in that department, but I know I’ve made progress over the past few weeks.
Thanks for the post Oleg. Always a pleasure.
Mark
Thanks for your sharing your experience so far Mark. It looks like you’re making tons of progress.
I hear ya on being around family and friends who are entrenched in the way life “should be” lived. All the power to them if that’s how they truly wanna live, but it’s not right for us, and being held back by those beliefs is very limiting to maximizing our lives.
If we summon the courage to be ourselves no matter what others think, we quickly find that there’s nothing to be afraid of, like you mentioned. It’s just others’ opinions and words – there are no physical shackles holding us back.
And, also like you mentioned, boy is it easier to live without societal expectations. We’re ourselves anywhere we are and with whatever we say. No psychological burden of “is this the right thing to say” or “how should I act in this situation.”
Appreciate the nice words Mark. It’s always a pleasure for me to read your thoughts. Looking forward to more of them (and on your eventual blog too
).
Keep being awesomely yourself,
Oleg
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